Partner Edition: Dealing With Disappointment in Swing Dance Contests

Dear Chelsea, 

I read your blog post on dealing with disappointment in swing dance contests, and I was wondering if you might have some advice about how to respond when a partner *is* upset about the results of a contest. At the core of it, I want to be supportive and listen, but I'm sometimes finding that I'm stuck between saying too much and saying too little, and then I just don't know what to say, period. What if they're having unhealthy feeling statements? How do I gently guide them to processing in a more healthy way? If they are thinking about things in a healthy way, how do I respond constructively that doesn't just leave them feeling like they're left to deal with the feelings themselves? I would really appreciate any thoughts you may have about that, as either a counselor or a dancer! Thanks again for sharing the blog post. 

Signed,

Wondering How to Help

This is a tough question—with a tough solution—but the keys to dealing with an upset partner are mostly the same as those for dealing with yourself, except twice over. Here is how I look at it:

Understand Your Own Reaction First

A challenge of dealing with a partner's disappointment is that you will have a reaction to your partner's feelings on top of whatever feelings you have about your own performance. Whether you competed together or separately, it can get complicated. You shared some of your reactions already, and here are others I've encountered. You might feel . . .

• at a loss because you have no idea what to say or do.
• overwhelmed because you are also feeling disappointed yourself. 
• frustrated and helpless because this happens seemingly every time you compete and it never gets much better.
• defensive because your partner is blaming you (or seems to be blaming you) for what went wrong and you don't think that's fair. 
• embarrassed or ashamed because your partner is blaming you (or seems to be blaming you) for what went wrong and you (perhaps secretly) think they are right. 
• guilty or ashamed because you blame yourself for what went wrong, even if your partner doesn't. 
• resentful because at least your partner did better than you did (if competing separately), and why are they so ungrateful and dismissive of your own pain—or resentful because you did better than your partner and they aren't celebrating you like you had hoped. 

All of your reactions are normal and valid. But before you can help your partner, you have to help yourself. Practice all the self-generosity that you can (as described in my previous post). You need to get yourself to a place of (at least momentary) calm so that you can be an oasis for your partner to work through their pain. Trust that you will be able to work through your own troubles in due time. Remember, feelings don't last forever (theirs or yours). Be to your partner that kind friend who you would wish for yourself. 

Reflect and Validate Your Partner's Feelings

One of the most powerful things you can do for another person is listen to them. Just to be there, and to accept their feelings, and to show them that you hear them and understand them. Doing this shows that even though they are having these feelings, they are still a good person and worthy of love. It shows that you won't run. That you won't crumble. That you know that your lives and all the things in them are so much bigger than all of this, but that that doesn't mean that this moment isn't important too.

Reflecting another person's feelings is simultaneously easy and hard. It can seem unnecessary or feel fake—but trust me, when done right, it is so powerful. Here are some examples of reflective statements you can make: 

• "Wow, I can see how upset you are."
• "This is so tough for you. I'm sorry this is happening. It's not what you wanted."
• "You're so disappointed. You really wanted to do well." 
• "You're feeling embarrassed and worried that other people will think less of you because of how you performed—I'm so sorry. It's going to be okay." 

It's not parroting, but paraphrasing. 

Notice that these statements do not do any of the following: 

• Dismiss the feelings as unnecessary ("You don't need to feel bad. Why do you care so much?").
• Attempt to diminish the feelings ("You shouldn't be so upset—aren't you overreacting?"). 
• Contradict the feelings ("Why are you so upset? We did fine").
• Suggest alternative ways to feel ("You should be happy about what you did well").
• Assign blame ("You shouldn't have entered the contest if you weren't prepared to fail").
• Twist the knife ("You're going to ruin the rest of the night/weekend by sulking when you could be having fun")
• Offer solutions ("Why don't you go dance it off/have a drink/lie down/make a five-step practice plan?").
• Remark upon your own feelings in any way ("How do you think I'm feeling? I feel bad too/even worse/resentful that you're not happy for my success").

The problem with all of these statements is that they invalidate your partner's feelings. Being told that your feelings are wrong or don't matter never feels good and will often buy you a ticket to a fight. (You don't want to go to that fight. It ain't pretty.) 

Deal With Unhealthy Judgments 

Another complication to dealing with an upset partner is that your partner might be hiding their feelings inside unhealthy judgments (like how they are a poor excuse for a dancer/human being, or how you or they are to blame for the bad outcome). Again there are two steps to helping: first, to disentangle the underlying feelings from the unhealthy judgment and, second, to reflect back the feelings while refuting or ignoring the judgment. Here are some examples:

• Partner: "I am a terrible dancer. I suck."
• You: "You feel terrible, but you're not a terrible dancer. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad." 

• Partner: "If you hadn't gotten so tense, I would have been able to lead/follow better and our dancing wouldn't have looked like such crap." 
• You: "Yes, it's really frustrating to have problems with tension during a dance. I wish that hadn't happened too." (Notice that this one dodges the blame: Now is not the time to get into a discussion about who is to blame or how blaming people is unproductive and hurtful. Talk about this issue later when you're both feeling better.)

• Partner: "I can't believe how I danced. I want to crawl into a hole and die." 
• You: "I can see you're feeling really embarrassed and worried about what people will think. It's going to be okay. You're a wonderful dancer, and this one experience doesn't define you in anyone's eyes. Remember when you've seen other people have performances that they were unhappy with? You didn't think they were terrible dancers after that—you understood that sometimes this stuff happens. I'm so sorry."

Be Patient

When your partner is upset, the urge to fix it right-now can be overwhelming. But your job in the heat of the moment is to listen, not to fix it. Luckily for all of us, since feelings don't last forever, the liberal application of time will always help. Once your partner has had a chance to process, ask what would help get their mind off things. Maybe that's dancing it out, or taking a break from dancing; maybe it's taking a nap, or hanging out with friends. None of these solutions requires much from you except for you to just be: to put away your own anxieties or frustrations and just give your partner the space or companionship that they need. 

Then, later, when you are both calmer, you can process any outlying issues (and embark on that five-step practice plan if you want). At that time I encourage you to share with your partner how you are learning to be better at dealing with your own disappointment too. When I did that by writing my previous blog post, it was incredibly touching for me to see how many people could empathize with me. To know that you are not alone is central to the human experience, and this little corner of it is important too in its way, important as are all things great and small. 

Thanks for asking such a great question.