Lately I've been thinking a lot about listening—on the bus home from work recently I witnessed a spectacularly bad interaction in which two strangers argued over whether racism existed in the United States, and it didn't end well because one of the people was not listening. I've also do a fair share of listening myself among my friend groups (I did go to counseling school for my master's degree, after all) and have been told it's been helpful. And I've gone to therapy and been listened to and seen the power of that.
So, here are some of my thoughts on how to listen better:
1. Don't argue with the other person's reality.
When someone is telling you their story, you must remember it is their story, not yours. If you want to listen better, you have to accept that for this person, their version of events is the true version of events for them—even if you think their story is illogical or ridiculous or infuriating, even if the person has mental health problems that means they see the world through sad, anxious, hateful, or paranoid glasses.
2. Remember that acknowledgment does not equal agreement.
Acknowledging another person's reality through listening is different from endorsing it as objective truth (or as your own same subjective truth). For example, someone might tell you about how they were treated so unfairly by so-and-so for absolutely no reason, but you actually can think of several valid and rather unwholesome reasons why that person was treated as they were. Your reaction might be to argue with the other person or to dismiss their feelings as overblown or unimportant or pale in comparison to their own transgressions.
However, all of these reactions amount to you saying "your story isn't true; it doesn't matter; that's not how it really happened." If the person senses that reaction, they will feel like you aren't listening to them—because you aren't. Listening requires that you acknowledge that this person's story is true for them, but it doesn't require that you agree with the person's feelings, interpretations of events, or actions. However, if you want to have any shot of the other person listening to your interpretation of events, you must first do them the service of listening to their version—a two-way street.
3. Use mindfulness to moderate your personal reactions.
It is next to impossible to listen to someone else if the only person you are thinking about is yourself. And yet, it is also next to impossible to avoid connecting another person's story to your own story. If someone tells you about the pain they have experienced, you think of your own pain and how it was worse or better. If someone tells you about their abhorrent (to you) views, you think of all the reasons why you believe those views are wrong and merit that person being locked away for a long time, or at least banned from the internet. It's natural to evaluate what someone says in your own frame of reference, but you don't have to act on those evaluations right away. Listening requires that you wait a moment.
When dealing with intrusive personal reactions in a listening context, I recommend a mindful approach. Acknowledge and accept that you are feeling a reaction to the other person's story but not to let it pull you off course from listening to the other person for as long as you intend to be listening to them.
4. Listening begets listening.
Once someone has had a chance to tell their story, they are more likely to listen to your story. If your story contradicts theirs, the door is open for you to change the person's perspective. Once you have listened, you can then say, "I hear you saying X, but I disagree about the interpretation or action you took as a result of that because of Y reasons." In all likelihood the other person will not be immediately swayed, which will require you to listen to their follow-up rationale if you want to have your rejoinder. At any point the system might break down, particularly if the other person is not a good listener themselves, but you will have tried your best.
5. You don't have to listen if you don't want to.
Sure this whole post is about listening, but let's remember there is no law of the universe that says you have to listen all the time, or listen to everyone. Maybe the person speaking isn't worth your time. Maybe you're not in a healthy place to listen. Maybe the venue in which someone is speaking isn't conducive to effective listening (cough, most of the internet), and so you choose to participate or not participate in a discussion in other ways.
Listening is a choice. But if you do choose to listen, I think it's worth doing well.
