The Oxygen Mask

Dear Chelsea, 

How do you support a depressed partner? How can I support myself when I am losing the support I would normally get from my husband? We thought it was just exhaustion from the new baby, but as the dust finally settles it's looking like it's more than that. 

I feel terrible that I didn't recognize it earlier (I think it's been going on almost a year now), but the needs of the kids have kind of dwarfed everything. We don't have any family nearby and our friends also all have small children. Although we have a good community, there's no one who can really step in to help out more. And really what I need is my husband back, someone to laugh with and cry with. He's still a wonderful father and husband, but I can see he's just going through the motions so much of the time. He's looking into starting talk therapy but is understandably reluctant, the same with taking any medication. 

I just don't know how to support him emotionally when at the end of the day I'm pretty wrung out from caring for the baby and an emotionally high-needs older child as well. As it is, we just play on our phones and go to bed early. It's not enough.

***

Dear Reader,

Here is what I keep coming back to: You know how airplane safety guidelines state that if there is a loss of cabin pressure, you are supposed to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others? I think this an oxygen mask moment. Because you can't support others for very long if you can't breathe.

So, before we get to how to support a depressed partner, put on your own oxygen mask.

First, try to let go of the guilt you feel for not recognizing your husband's depression earlier. You did the best you could in the circumstances you were in, right? And even if you think you could have done better, you don't have a time machine to go back and fix it.

In addition, please hire a babysitter to help you with childcare on as regular a basis as possible, not just as a treat. In the absence of family and friends who will work for free, you hire someone. Make it a priority because your sanity is a priority.  And instead of going on a pricey date night, I suggest that you treat yourselves to a stay-cation by sending the kids to the park or the playroom while you and your husband sleep in and veg out on a weekend morning. (Trading babysitting with your other friends with kids could be an option too.)

You also need to find other sources of support for yourself in addition to your husband, since the depression means he can't do as much for you as he would like right now. Schedule a friend-date, either in person or on the phone. In the evenings, spend time on something more fulfilling than your phone. For example, you could pick out a new book at the library to read. You could get an adult coloring book. You could make a "TV show club" with your husband (or friends) where you watch a show together and then discuss. You could cook or bake for fun. Whatever you choose, after it's over you should be able to say, yes, I feel better for having done that. I doubt you can say that about your phone.

I have spent so long emphasizing self-care because supporting a depressed partner takes patience and empathy. For the most part, it just means being there, without judgment. It means accepting the validity of how he feels and the constraints that that puts on what he is able to do right now. Things will get better, but it will take time. Taking care of yourself will give you more fuel to guard against impatience and resentment at him not being how he usually is.

As for your husband's reluctance to seek treatment, discuss this with him: Imagine yourself in a happy future, looking back to now to say, "I'm so glad you never got any treatment when you were depressed. We thought something was maybe wrong but it was the right choice to suffer through without any help."

Does that make the idea of being "understandably reluctant" seem a little less understandable? Please do your best to put the reluctance aside and reach out for professional assistance. Friends and hobbies would help your husband too, but he may not be ready to pursue them until he's farther down the road.

I also suggest that you institute a family walk. Exercise and fresh air are good for the body and the mind. If it is hard for your husband to talk face-to-face with you or a therapist, talking side-by-side while enjoying the outdoors may help him.

Also try to get more sun (such as during the walk), which may be at a low since it's winter and most of us work indoors. For example, this study recently found results for remission from depression (not just seasonal affective disorder) from 30 minutes a day of light therapy, with the greatest response from light therapy in combination with medication.

This is a long road to travel. Many small supports can buoy you up. Please both of you be kind to yourselves in the days ahead.