My husband, "John," is a loving, caring, wonderful man. He is usually hyper-sensitive to taking good care of me. Over the last many years we have been struggling with infertility, and about two years ago John was diagnosed with the causal issue for it. We were told that even with intense medical assistance, it would be nearly impossible for us to have biological children. At that point I had already been through years of very painful, invasive treatments as well as four miscarriages. Given that the odds of us having a biological child even if we continued with these treatments were almost zero, I decided to stop any treatments. It was hard to come to terms with, but I did.
My husband, however, has told me that since I have had a year or two to rest, I should be ready to try again. I told him that it was not a matter of rest, but that this is my final decision—I really made a good faith effort, you can't ask for more from a person, it did not work out, and I am never doing that to my life or my body again.
He just can't understand, maybe because he did not go through the physical process. He thinks I should just suck it up and keep trying. This is so uncharacteristic of him! I know the stakes are high—having a child is a life-changing event—and in some ways it is unfair for me to make this decision for both of us, but I have. I am not doing this anymore. What can I do to make him understand? (This is separate from the issue of whether or not we will adopt maybe someday. This is just the issue of whether or not we will continue with infertility treatments.)
Dear Reader,
I've been mulling your question over for so long, trying to come up with what you say to a person in this situation. I've come to the conclusion that, as with many emotionally traumatic events, there's not much to say. You must listen to him process through his feelings while keeping firm with your decision. I agree with you on that; it's your body and you made a very good faith effort. And before I continue, I would like to say that I am so sorry that it didn't work out the way that you had hoped. You have both been through so much.
The biggest thing to remember is that John's reaction isn't about you; it's about him. He's trying to make it about you, by saying that it's your job to try again now, but you will have to see through that. Right now I think John is probably feeling powerless and his sense of himself as a man has been severely undermined. So, in order to regain a sense of control and normalcy, he is trying to control you and assert himself.
He feels powerless because he doesn't have the power to make a baby. For all that you went through with the treatments and miscarriages, you also had the experience of being in the driver's seat, or as close as you can get with these things. As you said, you understand on a physical level the enormity of it all, whereas he had to watch from the sidelines. It is important not to belittle the difficulty of that. It is a different sort of difficulty than you had, but imagine how monumentally hard it was for him to watch the person he loves the most in the world go through all that you went through. I suspect that the scarring from that pain is helping drive his response; you want to leave that pain behind and I think he wants to fix it and make it have been worth something. I also think he might be having the feeling of wanting to do it himself, as in "if you want something done right, do it yourself" ... except that of course he can't get pregnant, so he wants you to try again so that he can try again too.
And then there is his sense of himself as a man. Most men are socialized to be sexual, get a wife, have children, carry on the family bloodline and name. Now he has been told that he is literally impotent. I can't imagine what it's like to have to wrap your head around that. Have you talked with him about this? How has it impacted his sense of identity? As a way of defending his sense of self, I wonder whether he secretly thinks that because you were able to get pregnant four times that the problem is secretly yours, and that if you just do something different next time, there will be a baby. He might also feel like he has failed you as a man by not being able to give you children, and so he is thinking that another try will mean a chance he hasn't failed you.
Needless to say, these out-of-character reactions are about his own reactions to his own pain. He doesn't want to come to terms with it, so he's trying to get you to try again so he doesn't have to. It's not necessarily rational, but matters of the heart seldom are.
Both your worlds have been rocked by this. It might be good to seek out infertility resources—I found this article about men and infertility from the National Infertility Association helpful. You should also consider visiting a therapist who is experienced in dealing with fertility issues so that you can work through this together without fighting and to gain the perspective of an outside party. It's a long row ahead, and as you said, it's separate from the issue of whether you will adopt a child someday. As for what your journey means thus far... I think that you had to try: It was worth it that you tried. Now it is time to put your energies into healing. My luck and good thoughts to you.
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