The Fear of Drowning

Dear Chelsea,

My father is currently residing in a nursing home and will probably live out the remainder of his life there. Before we moved him there, my mother and I, along with my siblings, found out some really bad information about my father. Not only did he put my mother into thousands upon thousands of dollars of debt, but we found out he is a compulsive liar and has been accused of sexual abuse (no authorities were ever notified). Without going into intricate details, I found out about the sexual abuse from several family members. These family members do not interact with each other and have never met. It's not like they got together to collaborate on stories.

I have my own troubled past with him (not sexual abuse related), and I have absolutely no desire to visit him, talk with him, or interact with him. I have only done so because of my mom. I don't think my mom knows the severity of these accusations ... to be honest, I don't think she understands what it means, and may even possibly be in denial about it. She keeps pushing me to forgive my father for his monetary indiscretions and wants me to interact with him more, despite the fact that I grew up with physical and mental abuse from him.

I think she feels guilty that he's in the nursing home, even though none of us can take care of him because of his medical issues. My son has only met him a handful of times, and he's never been alone with him. He'll never be alone with him.

I don't know how to handle this without pushing my mom away, who I love with every fiber of my being. Telling her the truth about why I feel so angry/hurt/upset will cause a huge fight within my family, and I don't think I can handle everything crumbling around me.

Do I just fulfill my daughterly obligation and have limited contact until he's gone? Please help!


Dear Reader,

There are so many ways this might turn out---more, I think, than just the two you offered of submitting to daughterly obligation or sticking to your guns at the price of sacrificing your good relationship with your mother.

No matter what path you choose, I do not think you should attempt to educate your mother as to the true scope of your father's transgressions. Right now she knows a more tempered version of the truth---and it would appear that she is rationalizing, denying, or having trouble apprehending even that limited knowledge. Imagine you tell her everything---what do you realistically think she would do? In addition to the huge fight that might ensue, knowing more might entrench her further in her current viewpoint, leaving you even further from your desired outcome. Her identity is wrapped up in your father and you, and the drive for her to preserve a sense of intact family I am sure is very strong.

The problem you described sounds like a boundaries problem to me.

Your mother is overstepping her boundaries by pressuring you to forgive your father and include him in your life. She may not know everything about what has happened, but it sounds like she knows more than enough to understand why you feel the way you do. She just thinks that she is more right than you are about what you should do with the information you know.

And I think maybe you are not enforcing your own boundaries enough. Do you think you are taking on responsibility for meeting her needs? Do you fear that if you "fulfill your daughterly obligations," they will increase? Give your mother an inch and she'll abdicate her crown to make you the ruler of her own guilt and unhappiness? That if you increase how often you see your father to appease her now, she will only then decide that she wants more from you later?

It's the fear of drowning.

Instead, you need to carefully examine what you can bear and stick to that. Can you bear visiting your father for the sake of your mother, or not? Could you go visit him together with your mother and look at it as accompanying her and supporting her, rather than as visiting your father for yourself? How often? Once a month? Four times a year? Major holidays and birthdays? Never again? Ironing out clear expectations for how you will interact (or not) with your father going forward is key to ensuring that you feel like you are standing on stable ground and not quicksand.

When you tell her what you've decided on, be calm and offer minimal explanation. If you let her engage you on the finer details, she will attempt to dismantle your argument piece by piece. It is enough to say something like "Dad really hurt me and I am not comfortable visiting him in the nursing home [or comfortable visiting only under these circumstances]. Please respect my right to make the choice that is right for me." When she inevitably brings up the subject again, reiterate your position and change the topic. Don't submit to a dismantling unless you think you might change your mind. Otherwise you are just leading her on, not helping her.

The other part of drawing the boundary for yourself is acknowledging that on the other side of the line your mother gets to make her own decisions about how she feels about your father and how she interacts with him. You'll have to respect that she has chosen forgiveness, or denial, or some combination of the two, as the general way in which she wants to regard your father at this stage of life. Stop trying to fight that fight for her, or being angry on her behalf.

Although without knowing the details it's hard to say for sure, in a way his being in the nursing home is sort of like him being in jail---his chance to perpetuate harm on society is greatly reduced. I can see how that would mitigate the pain he's caused in your mother's eyes---whereas for you, perhaps it means that you are finally free of him. I can understand why you wouldn't want to ever go back.

If your mother is always pushing for you to do more, whatever boundary you choose to enforce---even if it is relatively generous---will probably upset her, because she is not used to having a fence in her yard. So you will have to find other ways to support her. I am certain these ways exist. Listen to her talk. Encourage her to pursue her interests so that you have more to talk about than just your family. Help her find other ways to enrich your dad's life. Does he have other friends who would visit? Perhaps he would enjoy a pet therapist?

And if she rails against you and says mean things about how much you have hurt her, let her feel that way for as long as she needs to, but don't engage it. Her words are her story, and they are about her feelings, not you. If you can keep calm amid them, eventually it will all cool off.

I have this vision of you, exuding love, and the love wears down the adversity with time. I am certain your mother loves you very much, and if you stay strong and firm and kind, she will find a way to live with a new reality, as you will too.