Overcoming "Poor Dancer Syndrome"

Dear Chelsea,

I see this scenario time and time again in so many people, including myself: the poor dancer syndrome.

Honestly, dancing is a "rich" man's/women's hobby. Taking lessons, attending dances, private lessons, finding babysitter for my children so my husband and I can go out together, and attending events really take a toll on the wallet.

One of the reasons I rarely go out anymore is because I just can't afford to. I miss events like crazy. I miss going dancing several times a week like crazy. I have seen so many people who would be interested not get very good or completely stop dancing because they can't afford it.

These people just disappear from the scene, and it's so sad.

To be honest, sometimes it's hard to watch videos on Facebook or see my friends that I haven't seen or danced with in years post stuff and realize how much I am missing.

What is your advice for the "less rich"?

Dear friend, 

Thank you for your question. I think it is one that many people will identify with, even if their life circumstances do not entirely match your own. Money is a sensitive topic, and so I appreciate your courage in reaching out for advice in a public forum. So, you listed many ways in which you're pursuing dance that cost money: private lessons, classes, dances, events, babysitters. Let's broadly reclassify those into learning, local social dancing, and traveling to events, and then the overarching issue of childcare. 

Instead of private lessons or classes...

• You could watch class recaps online (e.g., there are several years' worth of classes from Jam Cellar in DC) and teach yourselves at home. It can be challenging to work with a partner (especially a partner who is your spouse) without a mediator/teacher there, but it can be done with lots of patience toward one another. 
• You could identify dancers whom you admire and analyze their dancing as seen online and choose what you want to emulate. Then film yourselves dancing and find the discrepancies one by one and work to improve your form until it better matches what you saw in the video. (This is how a lot of dancers worked to become better, before there were very many classes, so it's a tried-and-true method.) 
• Start a small practice group and run it in your home. Invite other dancers in your scene over to your house to practice while the kids nap or after their bedtime. If the other dancers have children, the kids could all play together. Then you will learn and enjoy socializing with other dancers. 

To go out to the local dance...

• You could do a babysitting trade. Presumably your children are asleep when the local social dances happen, so this ranks as pretty easy as far as babysitting jobs go. Reach out to other local parents and offer to trade nights where one parent stays at the other's house to make sure the kids are okay and the place doesn't burn down. If you don't know any other local parents yet, try joining a parents' group or a moms' group to meet some and then float this idea. I haven't met a parent yet who doesn't long for a date night and bemoan how the cost doubles when you pay for a sitter...I think you'd definitely find some takers. 
• Consider employing a younger babysitter who you could pay a lower rate than an experienced adult sitter, such as a teenager who lives nearby. Your local parent friends might have suggestions for trustworthy young people if you don't yet know any yourself. 
• Volunteer at the dance to defray or pay for the cost of the dance itself. This might allow you to get out with your husband at least once a month, if not more, for very little money. I know it's not the several times of week to which you were accustomed, but it is better than nothing, right?  

To go to events...

• Identify the costs and then examine how you can defray them. 
• Registration: Apply early to get the least expensive passes if you can. Again, volunteering at the event is a potential way to help with cost. Some events offer scholarships for dancers with financial need. I understand it might be difficult to think of yourself as someone who needs or is meritorious of that help, because you used to have the money to go out several times a week and to attend events, but it sounds to me like you do qualify just fine. For example, I know that Great Lakes Balboa Escape offers a scholarship for dancers with financial need. Even if nothing is expressly advertised, it doesn't hurt to reach out to organizers to let them know your situation and to ask them what they could do to help. The worst that could happen is they say nothing, right? 
• Transportation: Right off the bat I would strike any events that you can't drive to for the foreseeable future. Driving is so much less expensive than flying, so consider how far you would comfortably drive for an event and draw that radius around your home and see what events are within that area. That might be tough if the people you would want to see at an event are only at far-away events...still there might be regional events to go to, period, and you could reframe it for yourself as a way to meet new dancers... 
• Food: You have to eat whether you stay home or go on the road, so to what degree can you make your eating habits on the road similar to those you'd have at home? Can you bring groceries or prepared meals to reheat at your destination, for at least some of the meals of the day? 
• Accommodations: Can you ask to stay with local dancers rather than at a hotel? Depending on the location of the event, you might find someone who has a guest room rather than just a spare couch. If you'd be bringing the children, it'd be like camping...only indoors. Or, you might decide the benefits of a hotel really are worth it for proximity's sake and (potentially) free breakfast.
• Childcare: So either you bring the children with you or leave them at home; either way, it might get expensive. Do you have family who could watch the children for the weekend at your home? If you don't, or you'd rather bring the children regardless, consider looking for a local in-home daycare for the daytime; depending on the city and the provider, these can be pretty affordable (I was able to send my son to one in Cleveland for $30 a day, which was really inexpensive compared to DC prices). At night with the kids you will probably need to hire a babysitter if you and your husband want to go out at the same time versus trading off. Maybe you trade off for one night of the event and hire a sitter for the other. Still, childcare can be so expensive, I understand how it might mean events are off the table or only going to happen for a really special treat. 

Can You Help? 

So, these were a few ideas I had that might help you find ways to keep pursuing dance while not spending too much money. I'm sorry that I don't have more... I feel like there isn't a great answer to this question. 

Do other readers have ideas as to how two dancers with children can make attending events more affordable? Note that it's important to this reader to go out with her husband rather than going out on her own. What other free online resources are there for learning to dance? What other events offer scholarships for financial need? What other ideas do you have? 

Thank you again so much for having the courage to ask this question and for the honor of letting me try to answer it. 

Partner Edition: Dealing With Disappointment in Swing Dance Contests

Dear Chelsea, 

I read your blog post on dealing with disappointment in swing dance contests, and I was wondering if you might have some advice about how to respond when a partner *is* upset about the results of a contest. At the core of it, I want to be supportive and listen, but I'm sometimes finding that I'm stuck between saying too much and saying too little, and then I just don't know what to say, period. What if they're having unhealthy feeling statements? How do I gently guide them to processing in a more healthy way? If they are thinking about things in a healthy way, how do I respond constructively that doesn't just leave them feeling like they're left to deal with the feelings themselves? I would really appreciate any thoughts you may have about that, as either a counselor or a dancer! Thanks again for sharing the blog post. 

Signed,

Wondering How to Help

This is a tough question—with a tough solution—but the keys to dealing with an upset partner are mostly the same as those for dealing with yourself, except twice over. Here is how I look at it:

Understand Your Own Reaction First

A challenge of dealing with a partner's disappointment is that you will have a reaction to your partner's feelings on top of whatever feelings you have about your own performance. Whether you competed together or separately, it can get complicated. You shared some of your reactions already, and here are others I've encountered. You might feel . . .

• at a loss because you have no idea what to say or do.
• overwhelmed because you are also feeling disappointed yourself. 
• frustrated and helpless because this happens seemingly every time you compete and it never gets much better.
• defensive because your partner is blaming you (or seems to be blaming you) for what went wrong and you don't think that's fair. 
• embarrassed or ashamed because your partner is blaming you (or seems to be blaming you) for what went wrong and you (perhaps secretly) think they are right. 
• guilty or ashamed because you blame yourself for what went wrong, even if your partner doesn't. 
• resentful because at least your partner did better than you did (if competing separately), and why are they so ungrateful and dismissive of your own pain—or resentful because you did better than your partner and they aren't celebrating you like you had hoped. 

All of your reactions are normal and valid. But before you can help your partner, you have to help yourself. Practice all the self-generosity that you can (as described in my previous post). You need to get yourself to a place of (at least momentary) calm so that you can be an oasis for your partner to work through their pain. Trust that you will be able to work through your own troubles in due time. Remember, feelings don't last forever (theirs or yours). Be to your partner that kind friend who you would wish for yourself. 

Reflect and Validate Your Partner's Feelings

One of the most powerful things you can do for another person is listen to them. Just to be there, and to accept their feelings, and to show them that you hear them and understand them. Doing this shows that even though they are having these feelings, they are still a good person and worthy of love. It shows that you won't run. That you won't crumble. That you know that your lives and all the things in them are so much bigger than all of this, but that that doesn't mean that this moment isn't important too.

Reflecting another person's feelings is simultaneously easy and hard. It can seem unnecessary or feel fake—but trust me, when done right, it is so powerful. Here are some examples of reflective statements you can make: 

• "Wow, I can see how upset you are."
• "This is so tough for you. I'm sorry this is happening. It's not what you wanted."
• "You're so disappointed. You really wanted to do well." 
• "You're feeling embarrassed and worried that other people will think less of you because of how you performed—I'm so sorry. It's going to be okay." 

It's not parroting, but paraphrasing. 

Notice that these statements do not do any of the following: 

• Dismiss the feelings as unnecessary ("You don't need to feel bad. Why do you care so much?").
• Attempt to diminish the feelings ("You shouldn't be so upset—aren't you overreacting?"). 
• Contradict the feelings ("Why are you so upset? We did fine").
• Suggest alternative ways to feel ("You should be happy about what you did well").
• Assign blame ("You shouldn't have entered the contest if you weren't prepared to fail").
• Twist the knife ("You're going to ruin the rest of the night/weekend by sulking when you could be having fun")
• Offer solutions ("Why don't you go dance it off/have a drink/lie down/make a five-step practice plan?").
• Remark upon your own feelings in any way ("How do you think I'm feeling? I feel bad too/even worse/resentful that you're not happy for my success").

The problem with all of these statements is that they invalidate your partner's feelings. Being told that your feelings are wrong or don't matter never feels good and will often buy you a ticket to a fight. (You don't want to go to that fight. It ain't pretty.) 

Deal With Unhealthy Judgments 

Another complication to dealing with an upset partner is that your partner might be hiding their feelings inside unhealthy judgments (like how they are a poor excuse for a dancer/human being, or how you or they are to blame for the bad outcome). Again there are two steps to helping: first, to disentangle the underlying feelings from the unhealthy judgment and, second, to reflect back the feelings while refuting or ignoring the judgment. Here are some examples:

• Partner: "I am a terrible dancer. I suck."
• You: "You feel terrible, but you're not a terrible dancer. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad." 

• Partner: "If you hadn't gotten so tense, I would have been able to lead/follow better and our dancing wouldn't have looked like such crap." 
• You: "Yes, it's really frustrating to have problems with tension during a dance. I wish that hadn't happened too." (Notice that this one dodges the blame: Now is not the time to get into a discussion about who is to blame or how blaming people is unproductive and hurtful. Talk about this issue later when you're both feeling better.)

• Partner: "I can't believe how I danced. I want to crawl into a hole and die." 
• You: "I can see you're feeling really embarrassed and worried about what people will think. It's going to be okay. You're a wonderful dancer, and this one experience doesn't define you in anyone's eyes. Remember when you've seen other people have performances that they were unhappy with? You didn't think they were terrible dancers after that—you understood that sometimes this stuff happens. I'm so sorry."

Be Patient

When your partner is upset, the urge to fix it right-now can be overwhelming. But your job in the heat of the moment is to listen, not to fix it. Luckily for all of us, since feelings don't last forever, the liberal application of time will always help. Once your partner has had a chance to process, ask what would help get their mind off things. Maybe that's dancing it out, or taking a break from dancing; maybe it's taking a nap, or hanging out with friends. None of these solutions requires much from you except for you to just be: to put away your own anxieties or frustrations and just give your partner the space or companionship that they need. 

Then, later, when you are both calmer, you can process any outlying issues (and embark on that five-step practice plan if you want). At that time I encourage you to share with your partner how you are learning to be better at dealing with your own disappointment too. When I did that by writing my previous blog post, it was incredibly touching for me to see how many people could empathize with me. To know that you are not alone is central to the human experience, and this little corner of it is important too in its way, important as are all things great and small. 

Thanks for asking such a great question.

Dealing with Disappointment in Swing Dance Contests

I competed in swing dancing and didn't do as well as I wanted to. I want to feel excited and inspired and proud of myself, but instead I feel like a failure, embarrassed and disappointed. How can I feel less insecure about my dancing? How can I find validation of my dancing outside of competitions and performance?


Signed, 

Chelsea's Facebook Friends

If there were one answer to this question, we would have solved this problem by now. So, I vouch for a multi-pronged solution. Below are the things that have helped me the most with conquering my own insecurities as I pursue life and competitive dance.

Be Generous with Yourself

Calling yourself names and making hyperbolic statements about how you're a terrible dancer (and maybe even a terrible human being, now that you think about it) will not make you a better or happier person or a better or happier dancer. Self-flagellation doesn't help. Treat yourself like you would your own best friend. 

Be Generous with Your Partner

It is easy to play the blame game, and blame can be a quick and incidentally satisfying way to offload your negative energy, but it's not ultimately very productive or healthy to your relationship, especially if your dance partner is also your life partner. Whether you are the one doing the blaming or the one getting blamed, remember that your dance partner is their own person with their own feelings and their own journey that is just as valid as your own—but at the same time that you are your own person with your own valid feelings and journey. It is imperative to enforce healthy psychological boundaries in any relationship, and both partners have a role in this. Resist the urge to say "I told you so." Remember that your partner tried their best. Remember that you tried your best too. You both wish it had worked out better. But right now, when you're feeling terrible, is not the time to twist the knife or to solve your problems. Which brings us to...

Feel Your Feelings

Rejection never feels good, especially when it is unexpected. Negative feelings are incredibly hard to tolerate. For me personally, being able to tolerate negative feelings better—both my own and those of others—is one of the hardest and most rewarding things I've worked on in my own therapy. 

One of the most helpful things I've learned in therapy is that feelings have a beginning, a middle, and an end. No feeling lasts forever (even though at the time it seems like it might). And counterintuitively enough, negative feelings pass faster if you take the time to really feel them and process them rather than trying to run from them. If you try to run from your feelings (and worrying about them counts as a kind of avoidance), they will dog you; they will ever be springing up in unexpected places like weeds. In fact, it is precisely because you are avoiding feeling your feelings that you cannot be rid of them. As someone who has spent her whole life trying to avoid her feelings and only recently tried a new tactic, I can vouch for the transformative effects of this alternative approach.

So when you're feeling rejected, or insecure, or depressed, take a deep breath and allow yourself to move through the feeling rather than trying to avoid it. Let yourself feel the totality of all the negativity, for just a few minutes. Put what you're feeling into words, remembering that since you are practicing generosity you are not allowed to make totalizing negative statements about your worth as a human being. 

Here are two examples of healthy and unhealthy ways to put your feelings into words (drawn from extensive personal experience on both sides). Perhaps you will recognize something familiar:

Healthy feeling statements: "I feel so bad about how that contest went. I really thought I was going to do well, and I feel so disappointed at what happened. I'm worried that because I didn't do well in this contest that means that I'm not a good dancer (or not as good as I thought I was). I really wanted to do well; I really thought I had done well. Now I'm worried that I'm off-base about everything. I've put so much into this and to get the outcome I got makes me feel so insecure. Sometimes I even question why I bother." 

Unhealthy feeling statements: "That contest went terribly. My dancing was just awful. What on earth was I thinking that I was going to do well? I'm such a disappointment. This just proves that I'm not a good dancer (or not as good as I thought I was). I should have done better, but moreso I should wake up to the fact that apparently in addition to not being able to dance I also have been deluding myself into thinking I could dance at all. I've put so much into this and this outcome just makes me realize that none of it has been worth anything. Sometimes I even question why I bother."

So you can see that feeling your feelings is not about minimizing them or dismissing them. It's not about pushing your feelings onto your dance partner as a way to blame them for your feelings. Your feelings are valid and they deserve to be felt. But you have to treat them for what they are—feelings—and not turn them into judgments on your character or your partner's character. 

The first time you try this, I recommend that you do it in the presence of a trusted friend or loved one. If your #1 friend and loved one is also your dance partner, it may be helpful to choose someone else for this honor at first. Because once you have truly felt your feelings, you need someone to listen to you patiently, acknowledge how you feel, give you a hug, and tell you that you're wonderful. If your partner is also upset, they may not be in a place where they can do this for you (and you may not be in a place where you can do this for them). In time you may be able to do this for yourself and for your partner as well, but friends who can listen and love on you are always a good idea. 

Contextualize the Situation

Contests reward particular skills (e.g., aesthetics, good rhythm) and minimize others (e.g., feeling, humor, adventurousness). Contests penalize things that in the real world do not matter (e.g., making a mistake). Contests reflect parts of the real world of social dancing, but they are not the same as the real world of social dancing.

The truism is that how well you do in dance contests tells you how well you do in dance contests. It tells you how you were evaluated by a set of particular people with their own opinions and values who based their assessments on an incredibly small snippet of your dancing in a high-pressure setting at tempos that are probably too fast. And because each judge has their own set of values, what pleases one person may not please another—and if these values are diametrically opposed, it may not be possible to please everyone. 

Judges also vary in their levels of expertise and experience with judging; speaking as someone who judges contests more than some and less than others, remember that we are all only human. Judging a contest is a skill and requires immense amounts of self-knowledge, visual acumen, critical thinking, and processing speed. Try it for yourself next time you watch a contest (or rewatch a contest on YouTube) if you want some perspective. 

Contests also put a somewhat artificial boundary on the number of people who will be rewarded, and usually that boundary has a lot to do with not making everyone's butts fall asleep while they watch from the floor. If the group of people who entered the contest is relatively homogeneous, then the criteria by which finalists are chosen become rather picky. Sometimes it is just luck, a numbers game—you got seen at the right moment by the right person. That boundary does not mean that those who were not rewarded are somehow deficient. It means that the ones who were rewarded did the right thing at the right time in the eyes of the people who were chosen to select them. It is a rather narrow thing. 

Examine Your Values

How well you do in dance contests does not tell you whether you are a "good" dancer. It does not tell you whether you are enjoyable to dance with. If you want to know those things, ask your dance friends or a trusted dance teacher. Hopefully they will tell you if you smell or if your technique has some rough edges. But most likely they will help you remember that you are wonderful and that they love you and love dancing with you. 

How well you do in dance contests also does not tell you whether you are living up to your own values for yourself. If you want to know that, ask yourself. What do you care about? What are you going for with your dancing? To what degree are contests an appropriate venue for you to gauge whether you are succeeding at upholding your own values? You might find that contests tap into only a minority of the things that you care about, and it's up to you to determine whether you get more benefit from them than not.

You also have to consider your values in context. It's unlikely (and would be rather unhealthy) if dance was the only thing you valued in life. What do you want your life to look like, and what role does dance play in that? For me, I also have a full-time job, a marriage, a child, friends, and other hobbies that I enjoy. Sometimes I want to stay home instead of dance. Sometimes when I'm at dance events I want to hang out with my friends instead of dance. Realistically, I am not going to spend much of my time practicing. There are dancers who are working harder at dancing than I am, and I must be real with myself that this means that they will improve and sometimes beat me in contests. Because my real goal in life is to live my values, and dance is only a part of that, and competitive dance an even smaller part of that part.

Solve Problems When You're Calm

The heat of the moment is not the time to dissect what went wrong and how you can fix it. Problem-solving can wait until you've calmed down and had a good night's rest to recover from the weekend. When you're feeling bad, your focus has to be on the here-and-now. Acknowledge your feelings and they will pass, because all feelings have a beginning, and middle, and an end. Be generous with yourself and with your partner, and surround yourself with people who love you and can help you feel better. Remember that contests are just one part of the swing dance experience, something that you can choose or not choose to participate in, and that they don't determine your worth or skill as a dancer or a person. 

Why I Compete, and an Anecdote to Prove I'm Not Making This Up

I compete because I like to perform and contests give me an opportunity to do that. It's also nice to be recognized by the community. Since I teach dance as a side career, I also compete because contests are a way for me to get my dancing seen by organizers who might want to hire me and students who might want to learn how to dance like I do. They are also a chance for me to share my vision of what dance can look like and feel like. 

As a case in point, this past weekend at ILHC I got second place in the Strictly Balboa contest and didn't make finals in the Balboa Jack and Jill. All this happened on the same day—which was, I kid you not, my birthday—and you can imagine I was so disappointed and so excited all at once. At dinner before the Strictly finals I had my time to feel disappointed about the J&J. My success in one venue but not another (and this isn't the first time this has happened) made me doubt whether anyone appreciated me for me, not just as someone's partner. To be honest I still worry about this and am working on working through it outside of dealing with the momentary disappointments. 

But I also knew I wouldn't be able to perform that evening if I didn't get through feeling disappointed. Thankfully my wonderful husband and dance partner David listened to me and told me I was wonderful and his favorite dance partner, and I kissed my sweet little boy as he tried to use french fries as a vehicle for eating mainly ketchup as a meal, and I worked through it all and remembered I have such a big and full life. Even in writing this, I am practicing being kind, and remembering that there are so many ways to contribute to our community that matter so much more than a contest. I'm hoping to use this blog as a platform for being a part of that. Hope to see you on the dance floor soon.

Moving Past Infertility

Dear Chelsea,

My husband, "John," is a loving, caring, wonderful man. He is usually hyper-sensitive to taking good care of me. Over the last many years we have been struggling with infertility, and about two years ago John was diagnosed with the causal issue for it. We were told that even with intense medical assistance, it would be nearly impossible for us to have biological children. At that point I had already been through years of very painful, invasive treatments as well as four miscarriages. Given that the odds of us having a biological child even if we continued with these treatments were almost zero, I decided to stop any treatments. It was hard to come to terms with, but I did.

My husband, however, has told me that since I have had a year or two to rest, I should be ready to try again. I told him that it was not a matter of rest, but that this is my final decision—I really made a good faith effort, you can't ask for more from a person, it did not work out, and I am never doing that to my life or my body again.

He just can't understand, maybe because he did not go through the physical process. He thinks I should just suck it up and keep trying. This is so uncharacteristic of him! I know the stakes are high—having a child is a life-changing event—and in some ways it is unfair for me to make this decision for both of us, but I have. I am not doing this anymore. What can I do to make him understand? (This is separate from the issue of whether or not we will adopt maybe someday. This is just the issue of whether or not we will continue with infertility treatments.)

Dear Reader,

I've been mulling your question over for so long, trying to come up with what you say to a person in this situation. I've come to the conclusion that, as with many emotionally traumatic events, there's not much to say. You must listen to him process through his feelings while keeping firm with your decision. I agree with you on that; it's your body and you made a very good faith effort. And before I continue, I would like to say that I am so sorry that it didn't work out the way that you had hoped. You have both been through so much.

The biggest thing to remember is that John's reaction isn't about you; it's about him. He's trying to make it about you, by saying that it's your job to try again now, but you will have to see through that. Right now I think John is probably feeling powerless and his sense of himself as a man has been severely undermined. So, in order to regain a sense of control and normalcy, he is trying to control you and assert himself.

He feels powerless because he doesn't have the power to make a baby. For all that you went through with the treatments and miscarriages, you also had the experience of being in the driver's seat, or as close as you can get with these things. As you said, you understand on a physical level the enormity of it all, whereas he had to watch from the sidelines. It is important not to belittle the difficulty of that. It is a different sort of difficulty than you had, but imagine how monumentally hard it was for him to watch the person he loves the most in the world go through all that you went through. I suspect that the scarring from that pain is helping drive his response; you want to leave that pain behind and I think he wants to fix it and make it have been worth something. I also think he might be having the feeling of wanting to do it himself, as in "if you want something done right, do it yourself" ... except that of course he can't get pregnant, so he wants you to try again so that he can try again too.

And then there is his sense of himself as a man. Most men are socialized to be sexual, get a wife, have children, carry on the family bloodline and name. Now he has been told that he is literally impotent. I can't imagine what it's like to have to wrap your head around that. Have you talked with him about this? How has it impacted his sense of identity? As a way of defending his sense of self, I wonder whether he secretly thinks that because you were able to get pregnant four times that the problem is secretly yours, and that if you just do something different next time, there will be a baby. He might also feel like he has failed you as a man by not being able to give you children, and so he is thinking that another try will mean a chance he hasn't failed you.

Needless to say, these out-of-character reactions are about his own reactions to his own pain. He doesn't want to come to terms with it, so he's trying to get you to try again so he doesn't have to. It's not necessarily rational, but matters of the heart seldom are.

Both your worlds have been rocked by this. It might be good to seek out infertility resources—I found this article about men and infertility from the National Infertility Association helpful. You should also consider visiting a therapist who is experienced in dealing with fertility issues so that you can work through this together without fighting and to gain the perspective of an outside party. It's a long row ahead, and as you said, it's separate from the issue of whether you will adopt a child someday. As for what your journey means thus far... I think that you had to try: It was worth it that you tried. Now it is time to put your energies into healing. My luck and good thoughts to you.

Disappointed Sister

Dear Chelsea,

My youngest sister (let’s call her Jamie) is in her early 20s, which is more than a decade younger than me. She has a 2-year-old daughter (let’s call her Rose). Jamie is a single mom, living with my mother and my other sister. Rose’s father is no longer in the picture. They tried to work it out at the beginning, but for reasons unknown to me (though I have a general idea), they cut ties. As far as I know, there is no visitation or child support.

Jamie is a mother when it’s convenient for her. She completely takes advantage of our mom and other sister. I know that they are enablers of this behavior. Jamie is always on her phone, she sleeps in, parties, drinks (and I highly suspect she uses drugs). My mom and other sister do just about everything for Rose (feeding, bathing, getting up and putting to bed, playing, doctor visits, etc). Jamie participates when she wants to. Jamie expects our mom and other sister to watch Rose whenever she wants them to. A few months ago, my mom and my other sister had to go out of town for two weeks. Instead of being present and stepping up to the plate with Rose, Jamie scheduled a breast enhancement and dropped Rose off with a close family friend for a week. During this time, Jamie did not even call to check on and talk to Rose. Aside from spending money that would have been better spent on Rose, Jamie didn’t even speak to her daughter for a week! (because she knew she was being well taken care of).

Jamie also has numerous, visible, poorly done tattoos. I don’t judge people for having tattoos, as I have some myself, but I do judge people who have bad tattoos. In addition to the tattoos, Jamie does lip injections, making her lips look like something that would be on a blow-up doll, or a porn star.

I don’t know what went wrong with Jamie. She used to be pretty. She was very intelligent. Her body modifications indicate low self-esteem. Her lack of parenting indicates immaturity. Since I live across the country from her and the rest of my family, I haven’t seen Jamie in 4 years. My husband and I had to travel there unexpectedly this summer and got to visit with my mom, my other sister, and Rose. Jamie couldn’t be bothered to drop by for just a moment, much less reply to any phone calls or texts I sent.

I need help in coming to terms with my disappointment with Jamie. I don’t feel that I can talk to her about this because I think she’ll view it as an attack. I just don’t know how to reconcile who Jamie used to be with who Jamie is now. Can you help?

Sincerely,

Disappointed Sister

Dear Disappointed Sister,

I think you will be able to come to terms with your disappointment in Jamie if you try to exchange some of your judgment of her for empathy. You've depicted Jamie as an immature, fiscally irresponsible freeloader who's getting other people to raise her child while she parties and makes questionable alterations to her appearance. I can understand why you'd be disappointed in that.

I would like to offer a softer interpretation of the story.

• The immaturity I can't disagree with, but she is still so young. A lot of 22-year-olds run around partying and still live with their parents. Rose complicates matters, but in spite of Jamie's parenting deficiencies, isn't Rose still growing up in a caring environment? Of course you would make different decisions if you were in her shoes, but you have more than a decade of life experience than she does, and that does make a difference. 
• Jamie is an adult and gets to make her own choices about her body. You don't have to agree with her taste in tattoos or her lip injections, but don't assume they have anything to do with her self-esteem. If she reformed her behavior tomorrow she'd still have the tattoos but you wouldn't be so disappointed, would you? I think the appearance issues are piggybacking on your primary issue with how she parents Rose. 
• Likewise, your mother and your other sister are also adults who make their own decisions. As you noted, their enabling behavior supports the environment where Jamie can offload her parental responsibilities. Perhaps your disappointment in Jamie will abate somewhat if you regard the family as a system of equals rather than seeing Jamie as the ringleader. 

I also have a question for you, and perhaps I am off-base here, but is part of you envious of Jamie? That she has access to endless free babysitting, that she can spend money on herself, that she can go out and have fun whenever she wants, whereas you live far away from your family's help and have to work hard to provide for yourself? I'm not suggesting that you want to be like her, but I can see how that disparity and unfairness would make you angry.

However, we are all on our own paths. We make our own choices and have our own triumphs and failures. You've talked a lot about how Jamie used to be pretty and intelligent and now she seems anything but, but Jamie is still the same person inside. What are her good qualities? Surely she must still have some. If you can't think of any, maybe that is because you haven't really gotten to know her as an adult.

You may not have confronted Jamie about your disappointment, but I am certain that she knows already. This is probably why she avoided you this summer when you came to visit, because she didn't want to be around someone who was going to judge her. So if you do want to be in her life, I encourage you to try to let go of the judgment and find a way to accept her for who she is, even though you don't agree with every choice she makes. And if you don't want to be in her life, then you have to let go of the judgment and let her make her own choices in peace or else your feelings will eat away at you and make you miserable.

I do think there is hope for her to become more mature and responsible. Time alone may do it, but you may also help. The things is, people have a way of rubbing off on those around them when they participate in their lives in meaningful ways. If you go into Jamie's life feeling as you do now, your disappointment and other negative judgments will sour your relationship. But if you can find a way to practice acceptance and appreciation of what there is to appreciate, that creates fertile ground that your values of parental responsibility may find a place to grow as well.

The Continual Accumulation of Moments

Dear Chelsea,

How do you figure out if your significant other is the "right one"? I've been dating a really great guy for six months now. We share the same faith and I know (because he has made it clear) that he's in it for the long haul. Amidst this, I've been trying to figure out my feelings for him. I'm not sure how to really figure this out—I definitely have strong feelings for him, but I'm nervous. The prospect of "the future" or marriage seems quite far away.

In conversations I've had with my mom, she tells me that she "just knew" when she met the right one, but I haven't had that moment, I don't think. She's also reminded me that our family backgrounds are pretty different—I grew up in a pretty well-to-do family, went to prep/private schools, etc., whereas he grew up in the military and more middle class. I don't know whether that matters.

I know I need (and fully plan) to have more conversations with my boyfriend about "the future" and all that jazz, but in the meantime, what do you think?


Dear Reader,

I'm thinking about time.

The first time I'm thinking of is six months, which as you well know is not very long to date someone. Give yourself more time to understand where you're going.

The second time I'm thinking of is the past. Have you been at the crossroads of a big decision before? How did you know which path to take? I ask because I think some people are prone to "just knowing"—having that intuitive leap you can't quite explain—and others know because the accumulated evidence demonstrates to them the best choice to make. Since you're in a place where you don't know, that means there isn't enough information to make a leap or to draw a plotted course. So the solution is more information, which takes time, and the certainty will likely manifest itself in a way congruent to your previous experiences.

The third time I'm thinking of is childhood. Differences in family backgrounds are important insofar as they influence our values, and successful relationships are usually founded on shared values. To a degree, people raised in similar circumstances share similar values; however, if I learned anything in statistics class it's to never extrapolate generalities to an individual case! What is important to discern is the degree to which your values and your partner's values align, especially on the things that are most important to you. Be thorough in this examination, especially given that your backgrounds are different, because you may not otherwise think to discuss or question many internalized-as-given long-held values. For example, what do you believe about how the world works, how relationships work, what is important, how people are supposed to behave and be treated, how much you should work for versus be given?

The fourth time I am thinking of is the present: This is where you do the work. Invest as much energy as you can into understanding your own values and then in living them. Encourage your partner to do the same. Resist the temptation to be the person you think your partner wants you to be or the person you think you want to be for your partner. Just be yourself. Because life is just a continual accumulation of moments . . . you can walk all day and never reach the horizon. And in each moment, you're either happy or you're not; you're either moving toward happiness or away. Over time, the course of things will reveal itself and you will know.

The last time I am thinking of is the future. Everyone changes—you, me, your partner, everyone. There's no predicting how, or when (except to say that you can't change other people; they only change for themselves). When it comes to long-term commitment, what you want is someone who is as committed as you are to doing the present-work of understanding themselves and aligning themselves with you as you pass through each moment. Then, after enough moments have passed, you will know whether you want another hundred thousand moments more.