New Year's Agreements

Something about the new year inspires people. Less than a week ago many people seemed despondent at the state of the world (or, more specifically, by political prognostications and an accumulating death toll of beloved celebrities); with the dawn of 2017, optimism creeps in as it always does. I don't mind whether you're resolving to dance more, to eat better, to exercise more, to accept yourself as you are, or to finally be consistent about flossing your teeth and not just flossing them for two days before you go to the dentist in the hope the dentist won't notice (they will), or whether you eschew resolutions and trundle on as usual despite the need to buy a new calendar.

Instead, I wanted to share with you all something called The Four Agreements, which I think will help either way. The Four Agreements are principles for how to respond to the world and conduct your life, and in the last three years since I first heard about them shortly following the death of my mother, they have changed mine. The principles are thus:

1. Be impeccable with your word. 
2. Don't take anything personally. 
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best. 

They were developed by don Miguel Ruiz, and you can read about them more fully at his website or in his book, and I will do my best to explain my experience with them here. In a nutshell, the premise is that in childhood we learn certain "rules" about the way the world works and how we are supposed to behave in it in order to receive love and attention and avoid punishment. But in most people, this striving (and failing) to live up to what other people want for you results in a continual feeling of not being good enough, which leads to negative beliefs about the self such as...

• I'm not smart.
• I'm not beautiful.
• I should be ashamed of my true wants and desires because they aren't right.
• I'm not good enough at my job/school/hobby for people to like and respect me.
• I deserve pain and suffering because deep down I am a bad person.
• I can't do any better so I had best settle for what I have now. 

There are pithy quotes about how you should always shoot for the moon because even if you miss, you'll land among the stars, etc., but I like this one from Ruiz's book for its rejection of comfortable metaphor:

To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive — the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourself is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people's demands. We have learned to live by other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else. 

The thing is, these are learned beliefs. They can be changed. You can change them. You can be yourself and still be loved. And The Four Agreements are principles to help you get there. Here are my thoughts on each.

1. Be impeccable with your word.

To be impeccable with your word is to speak from a generous heart. And in so speaking, firstly and most importantly, mind how you speak to yourself. Tell yourself you're worthy. Tell yourself it's okay to be the way you are. My therapist tells me, "Your feelings aren't your problem. Your anxiety about your feelings is your problem." When she said this, I stopped and wrote it down because it's so true. You can write it down too if you want.

Once you begin to speak to yourself in this way, you begin to speak this way to and about others: That is the second part of being impeccable with your word. Even when you find other people's behavior infuriating, disgusting, and despicable (even if this person is a politician or celebrity), you will be able to speak against the infuriating, disgusting, and despicable behavior and bypass the minefield of character attacks, which tend to reinforce existing sentiment rather than change hearts. But moreover, you will find yourself much more interested in spreading the good in the world than paying heed to the bad.

2. Don't take anything personally. 

"It's not you, it's me" is a cliché but also true. The agreement to not take things personally means to know that whatever a person does is because of them and never because of you. If your loved one yells at you, it's because they are taking out their pain on you. If someone has hurt you or assaulted you or harassed you, it was never your fault. Even if someone tells you to your face that you are ugly, stupid, bad at dancing, mean, unlovable, and the cause of all the wrong in the world, they do this because of their beliefs, not because you are necessarily any of these things. Now, I am not yet such an evolved human that I don't feel upset or hurt anymore because of the actions of other people, but I have found that this agreement helps me respond with a cool head in fiery situations, so I think not taking it personally is helping. Ruiz writes,

But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. 

Likewise, if someone has told you that you are beautiful, smart, an excellent dancer, nice, lovable, and the bearer of all good tidings, they do this because of their beliefs, not because you are necessarily any of these things. I'm not suggesting that it's not nice to be loved. I am saying that your worth does not come from other people; it comes from you.

3. Don't make assumptions.

People aren't mind readers. Even the people who know us well aren't mind readers—but it's easy to assume that they are, because humans spend their entire lives trying to answer the question of "why," and in the absence (or even presence) of reasons, we make assumptions. Chiefly, Ruiz writes,

We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse.... And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us, and blame us as we do ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves. 

It takes courage to ask questions. Do you want to go out on a date? Who will do which chores in our relationship? Would you like to dance? Can I kiss you? And in the absence (or even presence) of definitive answers, leave the question open rather than make assumptions.

4. Always do your best.

Doing your best isn't about perfection—screw perfectionism (if you have trouble with perfectionism, I highly recommend Brené Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection). Your best is the best you can do, and no more and no less. This changes from hour to hour and day to day and year to year. Sometimes you are sick, or tired, or hungry, or your heart isn't in it, and you will mess up and speak ill of others, take things personally, and make assumptions. But that doesn't mean that you should quit trying. It also doesn't mean that you should double down and kill yourself in pursuit of happiness. (The high achievers reading this should be mindful of that last sentence.) Be kind to yourself. Over time, with practice, your best gets better.

I hope that my being inspired by the new year to share this part of my life has helped you, but either way, it's okay. (Or at least, I am trying my best for it to be okay—I am worried someone will not like this and will get upset by what I say, but then again I know that that would be about them, not me. Nevertheless, I'm still dealing with the nerves. Just so you know I'm not some sort of super-person.)

Thank you for reading this very long post, and I hope that your new year brings love and light.