The Continual Accumulation of Moments

Dear Chelsea,

How do you figure out if your significant other is the "right one"? I've been dating a really great guy for six months now. We share the same faith and I know (because he has made it clear) that he's in it for the long haul. Amidst this, I've been trying to figure out my feelings for him. I'm not sure how to really figure this out—I definitely have strong feelings for him, but I'm nervous. The prospect of "the future" or marriage seems quite far away.

In conversations I've had with my mom, she tells me that she "just knew" when she met the right one, but I haven't had that moment, I don't think. She's also reminded me that our family backgrounds are pretty different—I grew up in a pretty well-to-do family, went to prep/private schools, etc., whereas he grew up in the military and more middle class. I don't know whether that matters.

I know I need (and fully plan) to have more conversations with my boyfriend about "the future" and all that jazz, but in the meantime, what do you think?


Dear Reader,

I'm thinking about time.

The first time I'm thinking of is six months, which as you well know is not very long to date someone. Give yourself more time to understand where you're going.

The second time I'm thinking of is the past. Have you been at the crossroads of a big decision before? How did you know which path to take? I ask because I think some people are prone to "just knowing"—having that intuitive leap you can't quite explain—and others know because the accumulated evidence demonstrates to them the best choice to make. Since you're in a place where you don't know, that means there isn't enough information to make a leap or to draw a plotted course. So the solution is more information, which takes time, and the certainty will likely manifest itself in a way congruent to your previous experiences.

The third time I'm thinking of is childhood. Differences in family backgrounds are important insofar as they influence our values, and successful relationships are usually founded on shared values. To a degree, people raised in similar circumstances share similar values; however, if I learned anything in statistics class it's to never extrapolate generalities to an individual case! What is important to discern is the degree to which your values and your partner's values align, especially on the things that are most important to you. Be thorough in this examination, especially given that your backgrounds are different, because you may not otherwise think to discuss or question many internalized-as-given long-held values. For example, what do you believe about how the world works, how relationships work, what is important, how people are supposed to behave and be treated, how much you should work for versus be given?

The fourth time I am thinking of is the present: This is where you do the work. Invest as much energy as you can into understanding your own values and then in living them. Encourage your partner to do the same. Resist the temptation to be the person you think your partner wants you to be or the person you think you want to be for your partner. Just be yourself. Because life is just a continual accumulation of moments . . . you can walk all day and never reach the horizon. And in each moment, you're either happy or you're not; you're either moving toward happiness or away. Over time, the course of things will reveal itself and you will know.

The last time I am thinking of is the future. Everyone changes—you, me, your partner, everyone. There's no predicting how, or when (except to say that you can't change other people; they only change for themselves). When it comes to long-term commitment, what you want is someone who is as committed as you are to doing the present-work of understanding themselves and aligning themselves with you as you pass through each moment. Then, after enough moments have passed, you will know whether you want another hundred thousand moments more.