My youngest sister (let’s call her Jamie) is in her early 20s, which is more than a decade younger than me. She has a 2-year-old daughter (let’s call her Rose). Jamie is a single mom, living with my mother and my other sister. Rose’s father is no longer in the picture. They tried to work it out at the beginning, but for reasons unknown to me (though I have a general idea), they cut ties. As far as I know, there is no visitation or child support.
Jamie is a mother when it’s convenient for her. She completely takes advantage of our mom and other sister. I know that they are enablers of this behavior. Jamie is always on her phone, she sleeps in, parties, drinks (and I highly suspect she uses drugs). My mom and other sister do just about everything for Rose (feeding, bathing, getting up and putting to bed, playing, doctor visits, etc). Jamie participates when she wants to. Jamie expects our mom and other sister to watch Rose whenever she wants them to. A few months ago, my mom and my other sister had to go out of town for two weeks. Instead of being present and stepping up to the plate with Rose, Jamie scheduled a breast enhancement and dropped Rose off with a close family friend for a week. During this time, Jamie did not even call to check on and talk to Rose. Aside from spending money that would have been better spent on Rose, Jamie didn’t even speak to her daughter for a week! (because she knew she was being well taken care of).
Jamie also has numerous, visible, poorly done tattoos. I don’t judge people for having tattoos, as I have some myself, but I do judge people who have bad tattoos. In addition to the tattoos, Jamie does lip injections, making her lips look like something that would be on a blow-up doll, or a porn star.
I don’t know what went wrong with Jamie. She used to be pretty. She was very intelligent. Her body modifications indicate low self-esteem. Her lack of parenting indicates immaturity. Since I live across the country from her and the rest of my family, I haven’t seen Jamie in 4 years. My husband and I had to travel there unexpectedly this summer and got to visit with my mom, my other sister, and Rose. Jamie couldn’t be bothered to drop by for just a moment, much less reply to any phone calls or texts I sent.
I need help in coming to terms with my disappointment with Jamie. I don’t feel that I can talk to her about this because I think she’ll view it as an attack. I just don’t know how to reconcile who Jamie used to be with who Jamie is now. Can you help?
Sincerely,
Disappointed Sister
Dear Disappointed Sister,
I think you will be able to come to terms with your disappointment in Jamie if you try to exchange some of your judgment of her for empathy. You've depicted Jamie as an immature, fiscally irresponsible freeloader who's getting other people to raise her child while she parties and makes questionable alterations to her appearance. I can understand why you'd be disappointed in that.
I would like to offer a softer interpretation of the story.
- The immaturity I can't disagree with, but she is still so young. A lot of 22-year-olds run around partying and still live with their parents. Rose complicates matters, but in spite of Jamie's parenting deficiencies, isn't Rose still growing up in a caring environment? Of course you would make different decisions if you were in her shoes, but you have more than a decade of life experience than she does, and that does make a difference.
- Jamie is an adult and gets to make her own choices about her body. You don't have to agree with her taste in tattoos or her lip injections, but don't assume they have anything to do with her self-esteem. If she reformed her behavior tomorrow she'd still have the tattoos but you wouldn't be so disappointed, would you? I think the appearance issues are piggybacking on your primary issue with how she parents Rose.
- Likewise, your mother and your other sister are also adults who make their own decisions. As you noted, their enabling behavior supports the environment where Jamie can offload her parental responsibilities. Perhaps your disappointment in Jamie will abate somewhat if you regard the family as a system of equals rather than seeing Jamie as the ringleader.
However, we are all on our own paths. We make our own choices and have our own triumphs and failures. You've talked a lot about how Jamie used to be pretty and intelligent and now she seems anything but, but Jamie is still the same person inside. What are her good qualities? Surely she must still have some. If you can't think of any, maybe that is because you haven't really gotten to know her as an adult.
You may not have confronted Jamie about your disappointment, but I am certain that she knows already. This is probably why she avoided you this summer when you came to visit, because she didn't want to be around someone who was going to judge her. So if you do want to be in her life, I encourage you to try to let go of the judgment and find a way to accept her for who she is, even though you don't agree with every choice she makes. And if you don't want to be in her life, then you have to let go of the judgment and let her make her own choices in peace or else your feelings will eat away at you and make you miserable.
I do think there is hope for her to become more mature and responsible. Time alone may do it, but you may also help. The things is, people have a way of rubbing off on those around them when they participate in their lives in meaningful ways. If you go into Jamie's life feeling as you do now, your disappointment and other negative judgments will sour your relationship. But if you can find a way to practice acceptance and appreciation of what there is to appreciate, that creates fertile ground that your values of parental responsibility may find a place to grow as well.
No comments:
Post a Comment